Have you heard the latest "real" news coming from our friendly super-snoopers at the NSA and CIA - in the Ministry of Righteousness? Just this morning the Ministry of Truthful Suppression received word that the Corporate Marauders Club is asking labor-slaves to make a special holiday purchase. No need to worry about being hauled away to Guantanamo for consuming Unapproved Fake News because this comes directly from corporate media, the same spinners of wild tails who also brought us Fake News, Russia-Gate, and Hate Speech. According to the article, the Big-Eye and Big-Ear information sifters in CorpGov want gulag dwellers to join the crusade in ferreting out Anti-American and Anti-Capitalist sympathizers.
With Christmas just around the corner this is your opportunity to show your unconditional allegiance to the Fatherland and the global 1% Pillagers by purchasing with your debt loaded credit card either "The Leader's Doll" or "The Leader's Toy Truck" both loaded with the most sophisticated micro spying paraphernalia. We all must do our part in helping our local Truth Police identify critically thinking labor-slaves who no longer want to support their CEO kingpin. These radicalized turncoats want to replace our rabid capitalism, to turn the clock back on the efficient destruction of our planet. They represent a few easily persuaded deviants who do not want to pile up mountains of debit in spending frenzies but instead want to chart their own life's course. These enemies of "The Fatherland" will be brought to justice with your help!
This is a special request from the highest circles of corruption and consumption insanity. Landfills and ocean going trash barges are no longer stuffed to capacity. Junk from the Chinese factories is not being picked off the store shelves or dumped at your doorstep fast enough for your 1% CEO executive and investor pals to bulk up enough cash to purchase their latest Trump-sized flying palaces and island hideaways. Figures just released from the Environmental Destruction Agency (EDA) show that at this rate "The Fatherland" and all its vassal territories will not destroy all life and the Earth's biosphere for another five years.
Clearly, this abnormal state of affairs within the global 1% empire is unacceptable. Each and every one of us has an obligation to sacrifice ourselves and the planet to the greater good of our ruling corporate and investor royalty - so that they can satiate themselves in decadent luxury and amass piles of loot long before the planet goes to hell. We must step up to the plate; do our part to help our underprivileged corporate mobsters who have done so much for themselves in the interest of pure selfishness. Without their faithful example none of us would have ever known the unconditional evil associated with being a perfect sociopath. Do not hesitate during this holiday season to show how much you care for the hard boot of oppression. Please work harder, say nothing, think less, and drool more for our masters of thievery, our brethren - the self-anointed castle dwellers.
In keeping with the holiday spirit our big-business lords are thrilled to announce another cut in this year's food rations. Instead of a full can of dog food every bottomscraping slave will receive a redesigned half-can version of higher quality pet chow. Experts at the FDA have determined that a half ration of protein either of the rat or horse meat variety can keep a labor-slave feverishly working for the same number of hours as a full can of this tasty treat. They assure all slave-gang overseers that the life-expectancy of their corporate prisoners will not fall below the all-time high of 38 years.
Even though life-expectancy and inhumanity is at an all-time high there are some among us not content to mindlessly drool themselves into extinction. Most of us feel privileged to live in this sanctuary of indecency, filth, corruption, and anti-democracy - a global slave-camp that any normal labor-slave would love to call home. But there are a few malcontents determined to foment trouble in paradise. That is why we must remain alert to those who would take away our treasured toil, the terrorists, evildoers, moralist sinners in the People's Movement underground who want to destroy our authoritarian way of life.
Each and every one of us can help in this fight to preserve what we value the most - our endless servitude to 1% royalists. It just takes a single tip by an ever watchful chain-gang to save our royals from losing all their cherished privileges. You are the firewall of blissful servitude, the brain-dead, a content horde of drool rag holders, and the legion of feverish consumers of junk who will keep those egalitarian minded terrorists in the People's Movement from breaching the defenses of "The Fatherland" - your favorite CorpGov nation-state.
So do your part by donating your worthless bottomscraper life for the belching lobster eating royalists who depend upon mountains of human labor-slave corpses and extinct animals to further their unquenchable urge to accumulate riches. Every one of us in the lower classes who is right now enjoying the fruits of totalitarianism - eating our roasted can of dog food - the one with the picture of the hairy rat or the horse prancing through the field - we are the first line of defense against the People's Movement barbarians who are poisoning minds with their tales of freedom, self-determination, democracy, and egalitarianism.
Never before in the history of our pirate kingdom have we faced such a threat. If these purveyors of honesty, dignity, justice, and pure liberty have their way it won't be long before labor-slaves will be running the show and reaping all the rewards from their hard work. This is certainly not what any of us wants, for it is better to glide along the status quo rut into oblivion with our ankles shackled firmly to our 1% masters than taste freedom. Do you really want to be responsible for helping to chart the collective future of humanity untethered from 1% leeches?